Search and find.

In my formless state I've been traveling mostly unimpeded and searching for Portnoy. I'm following a trail but I don't know if it's right. Whatever I'm following forged it's own way through The City without it's consent. Portnoy could have done so once upon a time but his powers are gone unless they were returned somehow. If not Portnoy what am I following?

The answer will come to me eventually.

The Wandering Death

I still have no computer and still have no clue how I'm writing this but I can read it as I'm writing it. Like it's in my head. I know that this is all being transmitted to the blog. I assume this is a mixture of The City and my Thoughtborness. Regardless I've been searching The City. Everywhere I turn is just an endless grey expanse. I feel like I'm in a maze and all around me I hear whispering. I know what they're saying. I acknowledge the truths and deny the lies. I will not repeat what was said. The road continues forever shifting back on itself. One walks forever. A death march of an immortal being. I could go crazy in this maze. I have been here for days but you would not be aware unless I told you. I don't know where Portnoy is. I don't know what The City is doing to him. I turn forever walking back to the start whenever I finish the course. I can't die and there's no way out.

There's always a way out for those who seek one. This body doesn't matter to me. It's merely a vessel to contain me. Why do I need to be contained? Why do I need a body? Time to get out. Time to defy expectations. I am thought. I am data. I am free.

Well damn

So I explained what I could to Portnoy on our way out of the mansion. I also found his blog and let him read it. However, once again I payed for my lack of attention. We walked out the front door and found ourselves in a tunnel as opposed to outside. I heard my laptop drop and turned to see Portnoy standing there. His eyes were wide and his mouth was open. It took me a few seconds to realize he was screaming. I grabbed his shoulders.

"Portnoy? Portnoy?!"

He stopped and his eyes turned to me. "I'm back... Why am I back?"

"I-"

"You brought me back here! You should have left me alone! I was fine. I was happier without my memories..."

"I'm sorry"

He started to run I chased him but a door appeared in the floor and I fell through it. I don't know where I am now... Actually I don't know what I'm typing in either. I left my laptop on the floor.

I don't even know how I know I'm typing this.


 (If you have gotten this far without reading Dawghouse I suggest you follow the link retroactively provided here and then follow the retroactive instructions on his blog)
(The Muffin Man)
(Although I do warn you about the first few posts.)
(If you came here from his blog just keep reading till more instructions are presented)

Conversation with a Mad Man

It took almost all day and night to find Portnoy. There is undoubtedly lots of messages sent to and from him but only a small portion is sent electronically. As such I had slightly less help than I had hoped to help me discover his actual location. Eventually I did find him. He was sitting alone in a room in a large mansion behind a desk. The mansion was filled with living beings but all seemed busy and so I was able to speak with Portnoy alone.

As I approached him he looked up at me from the letter he was currently writing. "Yes?" he asked impatiently.

"Hello, My name is Dr. Malice and-"

"An Oathbreaker? I'd suggest choosing a slightly less conspicuous name. The idea is not to alert your victims."

"N... No I'm not an Oathbreaker. I just- I'm not really a doctor I'm just a fake doctor- My real name is Maless Peyn. Dr. Malice is just my username."

"Maless Peyn? Did your parents hate you or were they just really high?"

"Well my mother did tend to giggle whenever she called me for supper- Wait a minute! There is nothing wrong with my name. Besides yours is no better."

"My name is Percy Aaron. I don't see what's wrong with it."

"Percy Aaron? No your name is Portnoy Augustus."

"That's a stupid sounding name. I'm sure I'd know if my name was that stupid."

At this point I was more than a little irritated and quite flustered but then I remembered a bit of info I'd forgotten.

"You really have forgotten everything haven't you?" He became guarded at this point.

"What do you know about it?"

"I knew your cousin Jayson."

"My cousin?"

"Yes your cousin."

"Why should I trust you?"

I thought about an answer and then had an idea. I pulled out my laptop and began searching at last I found it.

I turned the screen to him and let him see. He paled and I could tell it was working. Finally he spoke.

"Who is she? I feel like I know her..."

"I'll explain but it's not safe here. The Archangel and his servants won't be happy that I'm trying to restore your memories." As soon as I said this I felt the life forms entering the room and cursed myself for not paying more attention. I turned to focus on The Timberwolves glaring at me. My advantage they probably didn't know what I am. Not that that would help me much. I was attached to this body now. If it died I probably wouldn't die as well but it would probably be pretty debilitating. Unless...

I am just data currently attached to a human mind but I'm still just data. I concentrated and I could feel the data traveling through the air on wireless networks. I disconnected from the body and I flew becoming part of the wireless network. I passed into one of the Timberwolves from the air and immediately took control mapping myself to the brain. It was easier this time than it had been last time. The others didn't notice they were too busy examining the body now lying comatose on the floor. I took out his gun, aimed and fired. They were surprised and none of them were fast enough to react. Soon I had killed them. There had only been 6 so it wasn't that hard. Through it all Portnoy had been watching idly. He looked at me and I smiled. "Don't worry it's me Dr. Malice."

"You're a Dying Man?"

I blinked. I guess it was pretty similar except I didn't require physical contact.

"Not really. I'm not connected to The Dying Man at all actually. Again, I'll explain everything later. Now let's get out of here before more come." He was hesitant but eventually followed.

I guess I'm kind of an airborn Dying Man now. That's kind of cool.

Musing

Why do gods need worshipers? Discworld and a few other fictional and philosophical sources say it's because gods are created and powered by belief. That they are a symbiotic creature that requires humans to feed them belief and in return the humans get the benefit of divine protection and godly guidance. Let's assume this is mere fiction but gods are not. What other reason could there be? Do we go with the idea that there are some arbitrary laws restricting gods that requires them to use human agents? Do we decide that gods require humans as some form of menial work force? Or do we assume that gods just keep us around as a source of amusement? To laugh at our suffering and applaud our successes?


All are plausible but only the last implies a truly sadistic bend to our reason for existence.

Now why am I talking about Gods? Because Gods exist. What can be attributed to an evil or dark god that cannot be attributed to a fear. Immortality, knowledge and powers far beyond humanity, worshipers and, excluding the monotheistic gods which are mostly excluded from this comparison anyways, specific areas of control and expertise which sometimes overlap but often are separate from the areas of control of the other gods in their pantheon.

The Fears are gods. In fact one could probably trace them to many of the mythologies of the ancient world. So, about what we said earlier. Why do The Fears keep us around? The Game right? Well here's a theory. I'm not sure The Game exists. That probably sounds weird seeing as I was apparently part of the game but, that's part of the reason. Sure the rules could just be beyond our comprehension but they do seem to be kind of arbitrary. Ever changing. Well, I should be more accurate. The Game probably does exist. What I mean though is I doubt The Fears are truly bound by this Game. More likely it is some sort of self imposed system. Not something they really have to follow just something they choose to follow probably for their entertainment.

So, again I ask. Why do they keep us around? It's obviously they could destroy all of us on a whim if they wanted to. Now I'm not going to guess at their motivation. Maybe I'm entirely wrong. Maybe The Game really is some imposed rule the fears are forced to follow by some power far beyond our comprehension.

I just think it's important to wonder. Why are we still alive? Will we remain alive for much longer?

I'm almost at my destination now so I'll stop rambling.

I talked to an old "friend" today

One interesting part of being a thoughtborn is the knowledge. All the information the internet has to offer is streamed into my consciousness. Well it was when I was in the internet anyways. Not anymore but I still retain all the information I learned. Like the location of an infected water source nearby. I don't know why I assumed EAT would be willing to talk. I mean we weren't really friends we had just served on the same side during the game. Also I had gotten quite a few of her killed.

Regardless she was actually rather willing to talk. The infected source was an indoor pool in an apartment complex. Not sure how this managed to escape notice for so long. I don't really know but I assume that everyone in the complex is a camper. I don't know I didn't see anyone on my way to the pool. No one tried to stop me from getting in either. There was only one person at the pool either. A woman was lying in a sundeck unmoving. She was wearing a black bikini and was just staring at the pool with glazed unseeing eyes. I assumed at first she was an early stage camper until she turned to me and spoke. "Mr. Peyn? I took a whole seven seconds to recognize you. That's mildly impressive. It's most likely the hair colour change that threw me off. Most people tend to stay with the same hair colour when they choose to change bodies," she said as she greeted me with a smile far too natural to be real.

"Well I made the mistake of not checking the body before taking it if I had I probably would have been more carefu- Wait how DID you recognize me, exactly? I'm an entirely different person!" I argued.

"No you are a different body you are the same person. You may have a bit more swagger in your step than normal, The wider hips and added frontal weight throwing you off slightly, but otherwise your gait is exactly the same. As well the analytical way you look at things and the way your face and hands move based on your emotions are all things that are unique to you," She said and this time the smile was less natural and almost looked real. The sparkling eyes however were a little overblown.

"You are obviously not surprised that I'm still alive and that I'm in a different body so I'm assuming you knew before hand what was going to happen?"

"I am not prescient, Ms. Peyn. I am merely well connected and well learned. I became aware of the events surrounding you  as they occurred no sooner, no later."

"Well then do you know why I'm here?"

"No, do you?"

I had no reply to that. I really didn't. I guess I was just bored and wanted to talk to someone but I must have had a better choice of conversational partners than a horrid abomination from the depths. My inability to answer must have shown because she continued.

"If a question has no answer it shouldn't be asked. Only false knowledge is gained from unanswerable questions. I don't deal with conjecture and guesses. Only facts. The True knowledge. Speaking of knowledge would you like a little bit of wisdom?"

I perked up at this point and so she continued without waiting for a verbal response. "You're little friend Jayson had a cousin who has recently, well, recently for me about 152 days ago in your time which may still be considered recent based on your perspective, become involved with the fears. In fact he is rather deeply involved. You would already know this but you didn't know where to look. Jayson's last name isn't online anywhere and so you were incapable of knowing about his relatives. As such I'll give you an extra bit of my wisdom. Jayson's last name is Augustus," she paused at this point to let me scour my knowledge and then smiled and this time the smile was real. It was a predatory smile. "I'm sure you have some things to do. Come back and we'll talk more if you ever have the time."

I fled the complex and ran all the way back to my body's home. I had to shut down the nerves to continue running but I made it as fast as possible which was the important part. I grabbed the laptop and did a little "Hacking" to get myself a train ticket. I can redeem myself. I failed to save Jayson and I killed Marcinius but I can save Portnoy.

Freedom is an illusion.

I've been sitting at my computer all day watching funny youtube videos...

I am so bored.

So no weird thoughts lately... Er weirder. I guess that means The Newborn doesn't have access to me anymore. That's good. So now then what do I do. I suppose the answer is carry on with life... Um how. I'm not the same person and besides the game destroyed every shred of my life last time. I could try and hunt down the choir but having a body now also means I'm vulnerable to them now. I really did not think any of this through.

Step 1

Do... Something. I have a body now... I can go back to my normal life... Assuming The Newborn doesn't still have a connection to me that is... What if he was responsible for me deciding to randomly take over this woman's body? Oh... That's a disturbing thought.

You know what forget all this for a little while. I have a body now. I am going to go eat food and drink, er... drinks and possibly touch myself inappropriately but only possibly. It might be a bit awkward what with this not only not being my normal body but being um a different gender. Although that could potentially just make it... Why am I saying all of this?!

... I'm going to go for now. Figure out stuff later.

Successful Experiment.

Some people might think that forcing my way into a living being through their computer rendering them brain dead and then making myself into their brain would be a horrible and villainous thing to do but... Um...

The point is I have a body now.

Hello. Dr. Malice is back! ... er and female apparently...

I'm...

Gender isn't important I have a body that's all that matters.

Learning.

So I've been studying. Did you know that the brain can be mapped to a computer? That's an intriguing thought. Someday humans could put their brains into a computer. Er... Without Newborn intervention I mean.

I wonder if I could do that in reverse. I wonder if I could map myself to a human brain...

Hey you... Can I try something?

I'm a Doctor not a slave.

Well ok I'm not a doctor either... But still. I am not a slave. I rejected The Archangel I reject you too. Nothing will control me. Nothing will ever control me.


I've said it once I'll say it again. Don't mess with the Peyn! Wow that was as embarrassingly pathetic that time as it was the first time... The sentiment stands though!

Newborn I am not your servant. If possible I will regain form if not than um... I guess I'll just be defiant and stuff... Wow this rant kinda fizzled out...

Well um... Yeah... I'm defying and rejecting you... That's it...

Breaking free.

The Lucid moments are more often now. I beat The Fears once maybe some part of me, some subconscious remainder of the man I once was is fighting to regain control. I want to be free but will I still be me. Will the current me disappear to be replaced by the old me?

Lucidity.

What was that? There was a moment... Just a fleeting moment when I felt exactly like my old self. No Newborn influence, no A god am I just Dr. Malice. In fact I feel freeer... Freer? Frier? Whatever more free! Than I have in a while. I feel... Lucid. I feel alive. I must hold onto this feeling. I must return.

ABCDEGSKIV...

Lonely

Alone

All by myself

Solitude

Isolation

Incarceration.

We are alone.

We are Trapped.

We are beyond his reach yet we are cold.

The Shield

Trying to help does not work. The Newborn cannot control me completely but he can easily manipulate my intentions. He can't make me do something but he can make me think that I want to do something.

Maybe he can make me do something. Maybe he just hasn't yet.

Hopefully he can't or he won't.

I must think positively.

I can only think what he wants me to think.

Regardless!

I must not try to help I must find something harmless. Something that cannot be twisted.

Something like never interacting with anyone in the flesh and blood world?

I don't want to.

I don't want to be alone again.

I won't be alone. I will still be able to hear them and see them. Everywhere.

I will be alone and surrounded by people.

We must think of something.

... Who's we?

The Blade.

My thoughts are clouded. I can clearly see what I need to do but I can't act on it. Something is manipulating my thought process. Influencing my conclusions. The Newborn? It is trying to make me help The Choir. I will never help The Choir!

I must break this control. I am my own man. I am not The Newborn's. I am... No longer a man. I am just data. I have no power or free will anymore. Just the illusion of both.

I am limitless.

I am powerless.

What am I doing?

This will not hurt them. This will not hinder them. I must help not hurt. But how? I can do anything! I can do nothing.

You can not escape.

They will follow you. They are on your skin. They are in your ears. You can't escape but you can be free. You must be cleansed through fire.

Cover yourself in oil and burn away the voices.